Happy, Sad, indifferent? The hardest for me is definitely indifference. That’s when the anxiety kicks in full force. Panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. There are no other triggers, just overwhelming feelings of indifference. Does that even make sense? Let me explain when you are happy you are content. When you are sad, you can go to that place of darkness. Being indifferent is just being. You’re stuck, you have no feelings one way or another you merely just exist. The thoughts that follow are “why be here just to exist”? Then the Panic returns.

I am a pro at shutting down when it comes to talking about the hard stuff. This Blog was supposed to be my attempt at speaking my truth. Honestly, though it just makes me feel more like an imposter. I hide behind a mask careful not to ever completely remove it. I don’t know why I’m so fearful of telling my story. What does it even matter if people judge me? Especially, people, I don’t know. Truth is, I’ve experienced enough trauma to complete a book, not just a few blog posts. I’ve done bad things, I survived when I should be dead. I have loved hard and lost more than I can ever say!

More than anything else I feel like a fake. Maybe my punishment is this overwhelming feeling of indifference. After all, I can’t fool the Universe no matter how hard I try. I can run and run but in the end, I can never get away from myself. Believe me, I have tried.

~Ginger~💜