I never really thought about this until a few days ago when I was chatting with a friend. We kind of have a running joke where she will ask me some ”tough questions.” Most times I skip on to the next subject without even acknowledging her question. I never even realized I did the “deflection” thing until she asks me about watching a show called “Lie To Me” it’s about a guy that reads people by their body language. He is a deception expert. The thing she said to me about that show that has stuck in my mind since that conversation is this. “He talks about deflection…..I never knew what he meant, till I met you.” At first, it was funny to me, then she said: “I’m actually serious.” If she was serious, it must be important. I decided to do some research on this topic because let’s face it, my mind was not going to let this go. Yes, this happens to me a lot. Typical over thinker that I am.

One of the first things I discovered was that narcissists are masters at using this deflection technique. Was my friend suggesting I was a narcissist? It was a fleeting thought, but no that was not what she meant. At least I don’t think so. Hum.. Upon delving deeper I found out there is a thing called ”Psychological Deflection”. Even though this is a narcissist trait, it’s also a way to protect yourself. A coping strategy that is learned or developed over time. It’s a way to draw attention away from yourself. It can be done unconsciously or consciously.

There are numerous other definitions but I won’t go into all of them here. What I learned about deflection that may be a fit for me though is the feeling of being unworthy. My feelings don’t matter. I’d rather dig deep into your soul other than my own. I’m fascinated with these conversations until they turn to me. I know all the tricks of the trade, so to speak, you’re not asking to get my answer, but to get me to get my answers. That sentence makes sense to me but maybe not to you.

If I’m perfectly honest, I at times crave the ability to just speak all my deep dark stuff, always to just stop short of doing so. Fear is a liar but also always wins with me. Ego wins as well, it continually tells me I’m not good enough, I’m not doing anything or being anyone that the world needs to see or hear. My story doesn’t even seem possible to me, how in the world would it ever be possible to someone else? I have survived a lot, yet I’m still not worthy of speaking my truth.

How, you may ask, did I get all this out of a small innocent conversation with a friend? I think it was a trigger for me. I have so many of them, I’m just now recognizing them. I hate that I’m such a control freak. I don’t think I will ever lower that guard. Yes, At times I allow someone to come a little closer. The moment though that I feel I may get hurt I back off. It’s a pattern I know only to well about myself. Maybe someday someone will care enough to pull me back In. Someone that not only pulls me but also pushes me, and is not afraid of calling me out on my deflections. Ultimately, looking past all of my bullshit.

I will end this blog post by quoting from My favorite Poem called:

“Please hear what I’m not saying ”

”Don’t be fooled by me.

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.

For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks.

Masks that I’m afraid to take off.

And none of them are me”

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me;

But don’t be fooled, for God’s sake, don’t be fooled!

I give you the impression that I’m secure.

What all is sunny and unruffled in me.

Within as well as without.

That confidence is my name and coolness my game.

That the waters calm and I’m in command.

And that I need no one.

But don’t believe me”.

This is just a small sampling of this Poem that I have read thousands of times. Do yourself a favor and look up the complete Poem. It is me, it is you, it is all of us…..

~Ginger~ 💜