I’m afraid of healing. That probably sounds strange. I don’t know that I can even explain. You see, It’s all I know. I’ve wasted so many years in my comfort zone. I feel like I’m standing on glue and can’t move. I’m smart enough to know how people work. That to me is a curse. What I mean is this, if I’m vulnerable, that makes you uneasy and you say the things you think I want to hear. It’s scripted which makes me feel worse. So why bother? I already know what you’re going to say. Hell, I’ve said the same things myself, because it becomes uncomfortable, those conversations with people who attempt to step outside their comfort zones, only to feel worse at your response. Damn, just cry with me, tell me what I need to hear, ( in a loving way). I already know the cliches. Connect with my soul, have the hard conversations with me, that’s the only way I will grow. Don’t say the things you think I want to hear, because trust me, it’s not!

My fear runs deep, my fear of not being enough, being unworthy, not perfect, but mostly the fear I will look silly, not cool, crazy, and the big one, vulnerable. The shame I feel is real, I strive to be perfect, I always have, and I never am.

My words are raw and very hard to admit. I’m afraid if I heal, there will be nothing left, after-all this pain is better than nothing. I do believe we choose our life before we come here, what I don’t believe is that I would choose A life so full of hurt, loss, and trauma. It makes me angry when I hear this, mostly at myself. The thought of coming back to repeat the things I didn’t learn in this life, is sometimes too much for me to grasp.

I wish I knew how not to be so hard on myself. I wish I was more selfish and didn’t care so much. I wish I didn’t notice the things that others never do. For example, the other day I made 2 people cry before 9:30 am, just because I picked up on their energy that something was wrong when I asked if they were okay, they cried. I’m tired of picking up on the pain of others when they never notice my own.

I have opened to my intuitive gifts over the last six months. I receive the signs every day, although it’s exciting to me, I push them aside. Funny thing is, I keep asking my Angels every day to show me. The more they do, the more I run away.

Honestly, I’m afraid of finding out who I am and what I want. I am stuck, it’s comfortable here. Am I the only one? Does anyone even know what I’m talking about? Do deep conversations appeal to you, am I just the weird one? Just a few of the many questions I have.

I think I care too much, and that in turn, is a source of my pain. I wish I was one of those people that are selfish. Life would be easier. The traumas of my childhood should have manifested into that selfish person, that didn’t happen. I guess I don’t want others to have to endure the same.

~Ginger~💜