Shattered Trust

I regret sharing myself. I am angry for allowing myself to be so vulnerable. I hate that speaking my truth cut me so deeply.

I am a pro at self-sabotage. Damn, how I wish that I wasn’t. Outwardly I don’t feel like I blame it on old traumas. Inwardly I must, though, right?

I have to sit with myself all alone now. It has been a reminder that this is a safe place for me. Although it is a lonely place, I can protect myself from the kind of pain I’m feeling now. Betrayal is how I see it and my emotions. I can only share what I think and feel.

I understand, and I don’t know at the same time. My head is spinning to understand, pushing all the logic aside, and my heart is shouting that it is broken and doesn’t understand. I built this wall brick by brick, and it took me years. I am presently paying the price by watching it crumble. I let my guard down for connection. I momentarily forgot how toxic and selfish people can be.

Remember the saying that “sometimes you are the exception, and sometimes you are the rule.” I don’t believe that is true. You are never the exception, only the rule. Thinking that I was the exception was a mistake; being seen, heard, and loved even for a while clouded my judgment.

Doing work on myself has been ongoing, even if no one sees it. Yes, it hurts that you don’t see that at all. I will never understand why listening to someone that doesn’t even know me trumps the bond I thought we had.

I never said I wasn’t willing to do the hard work. Assumptions prove fatal to a relationship. I sincerely wanted you to lead me through this healing work. A part of my trauma means I can’t ask for help very easily. If you had reached out differently, I would have done the hard work with my much-admired friend. I’m not placing blame far from it. I take full responsibility for not being honest.

I have struggled to convey my needs out of fear of rejection. Overthinking, procrastination, and anxiety keep telling me to be prepared to flee or fight. Constantly being vigilant is tiring. I’m sad that the person I thought knew me best didn’t know me at all. I need someone who cares enough to “hound” me. I built my tribe tiny to allow a deep emotional connection. If you are not in that tribe, then fuck off!

I have often teased, “ you don’t know me” it turns out no one does, or they would stick around. If you believe you supported me one hundred percent, then maybe you have some soul-searching to do too. If you knew me, no one could have convinced you to set boundaries around me and our friendship.

Please don’t get this wrong, and my words are not an attempt to make you feel any particular way. You are you and have your version. Simply my thoughts and feelings, and even though it is tough to express, it is my truth.

The one question that I keep thinking about is this. In this world of Spirituality and healing, the teachings of setting boundaries and speaking our truth make many Teachers and coaches seem like uncaring individuals. I do believe we should eliminate toxic people from our lives, but when we start to stop the people who love us the most and who are one hundred percent loyal and see you as their hero, I can’t help but wonder why? If it makes your life happier, then yes, you should follow your heart, your heart, not other people’s opinions.

I don’t know yet how not to have my hero in my life. I’m not new to grief. I am forced to go with my emotions, for now, all the stages, but I’m both sad and angry. In my Soul, I know the ones you think has your back and believe in you would be gone in a split second when you need them most. I was loyal no matter what and have proved it over and over. That makes me feel stupid.

So that you know, when I shared my writings that you chose not to read was my healing work. The rejection I felt didn’t feel much like support.

I’m hurt; I’m feeling betrayed. I am angry and devastated. I find myself back here once again. I’m physically and mentally suffering immensely, but I can not hide from the hurt. I can numb, but it doesn’t work. It makes the feelings even more powerful. Loss sucks so much. Can I come back from this?

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