‘Hear what I’m not saying’

It hurts to the core. You think you know my pain; trust me, you can’t tell me the real reasons for my tears. As much as I want to say the words, I can’t, but if you loved me the way you say you do, there would be no need for the words. You will know all the reasons why I can not stay.

Fuck you for pretending to love me until things got hard and you couldn’t deal. Tough love is an excuse to abandon me. I don’t need the reasons; I need the truth. I wish you could hear what I’m not saying. I can never be one hundred percent truthful because fear holds me back; you may not understand you may judge me if I’m honest.

I don’t want to live in shame and fear. Anxiety rules my life. I wake in the night in Panic. I’m going to die. I’m looking for a way out. My heart races and my head tells me I’m not safe. Why am I here in this time, space and reality?

It’s a curse feeling your pain. It’s a curse that you can’t touch mine. It’s not fair to be haunted in such a profound way just because I know and you don’t. I hear what you are not saying, but it’s not fair that you can’t return the favor. Feeling one’s pain is not a gift unless it is produced and multiplied by your choice to love.

Dig deep into your soul. Hear the words I’m not saying. I can’t express them, but you should already know without judgment. The hurt I feel is deep; the desire to be vulnerable is genuine. The fear of being misunderstood is real. Until then, I hide deep into my inner depths of darkness. I continue to be paralyzed by my anxiety until the time you can hear what I’m not saying.