“All the feels“

Recently, it has occurred to me how much feeling all the emotions suck. Just having a birthday, the fear that I have managed to keep buried has been creeping to the surface. The feelings of getting old and the fear of becoming dependent on others are terrifying. If my life gets to that point, it is no life. I think it is so cruel that we die in such disgrace. We let our pets die in dignity. Why can’t we do the same for humans?

What twenty-year-old ever imagines being bathed, wearing adult diapers, and being fed for survival? They don’t understand that in a heartbeat, that could be them. All the feels, right?

My Uncle lived the life he loved. He had a modest house on a small farm with a pond near for his love of fishing. As he got olde with multiplying health problems, living alone was becoming almost impossible. His children, who lived several hours away, begged him to come live with them. He was determined to stay at his beloved farm. No longer able to fish, he could sit on his porch and enjoy his calm country life. He let other family members enjoy the pond that too, gave him so much joy. One beautiful spring morning, he went out onto his porch. He had another plan for the day. He knew that soon the home health nurse would be there. He knew no family would find him, and he knew what a mess it would leave for his kids to have to clean up if he were inside. What courage it must have taken to put that gun to his head and pull the trigger, and as planned, the nurse found him a short time later.

Like everyone else, I didn’t understand, until now. He lived on his terms, leaving this world the way he chose. Hell is sometimes living here in a world that seems so cold at times. To many, this was a tragedy, especially to his family, but I can’t help but think and, more importantly, feel how cruel the end of life can be. I’m not saying suicide is the way to go but that there has to be more of a humane way to leave this world in our final days.

I’m sad tonight as my ninety-five-year-old Aunt was placed into her final resting place today and after spending months bedridden and having her every need taken care of by me and others. I never would place the burden of my care on my niece. That thought sends me into panic mode.

That’s me feeling all the feels tonight and being vulnerable enough to put it out there. I’m sad; I’m hurt; I’m angry for my sister dying without me and leaving me to deal with this messy life on my own.

I ask you, is your life a tragedy or a comedy? I admit that, at least for the moment, it feels a lot like a tragedy. Comedy is lurking in the shadows, though, and occasionally, when the darkness becomes too much, the humor does show up. For now, that has to be enough, I think.