“Sunday Thoughts”

Coming up on the Holidays and the second anniversary of losing Wendy, I can honestly say nothing has changed, and everything has changed. Let me explain, nothing has changed in the way I feel about what happened two years ago when Wendy died. I’m still Heart broken, I still miss her every moment of every day. I even blame myself for not somehow finding a way to help her sooner. My head completely understands the concept of free will. My Heart doesn’t understand this concept at all. Years ago as kids, I appointed myself as my sister’s protector. I failed miserably in that. It’s not an attempt on my part for sympathy. I don’t require, nor want sympathy, in fact, I hate that word. If you want to blame me, that would be easier to accept than any amount of sympathy.

When I say everything has changed as well, that may look like a contradiction in statements. Thanks for hearing me out though. By this I mean my life, both physically and mentally has changed so much that I sometimes can’t wrap my brain around it all. You see, I’ve moved from living with someone all my life to now being alone. Can you guess how many times that I Prayed for a way to live by myself? The spiritual journey I now find myself on is really something I’ve been skimming around for many years. I never felt like I could be myself, so I simply went with the flow. Be careful what you wish for, because the Universe will make it happen. Wendy is gone now, I wished and Prayed for that, no, I didn’t want her to pass away, but I wanted my freedom from being the provider and caretaker that I myself chose for her many years ago.

I have broken from a career in the medical field, and caring for others, to an office job that I would never in a million years would have guessed that would be my life now. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate it, in fact, it’s easy compared to the stress of my old life. I don’t want to revert to that life, even though I do miss it. I made a difference in life’s now I don’t. None of that matters to me anymore. I don’t say that to be felt sorry for, but to say it’s no longer who I am.

So, you might ask who are you at present? I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I sometimes wish I had somebody to talk to about my thoughts and feelings but no one is comfortable having the deep conversations that my soul craves. People say all the same old things that are cliche. I rather be alone in my writings than having all the fakes trying to make it better.

I see things, I feel things, I know things that construct my new life to be even more difficult. Hell, I don’t even get it, why should I expect others too? The question today though is where do I go from here? I feel like I recognize too much as to how things work, to let any of it help me. I know the questions, I also know the answers you want to hear. I will render them to you and go home not feeling any different.

I frequently say “ I know just enough to make myself dangerous “ I feel that’s true. I have yet to get anyone to get passed my bullshit. Am I proud of that? Sometimes, but mostly I want somebody who doesn’t give up on me and keeps trying. It pains to know that people mostly only care about themselves and only do enough to make it okay for trying.

I’m smart enough to know that things don’t change unless you change. I am working on myself daily, but breaking off just short of dealing with a lifetime of trauma. I hate vulnerability in myself, I hate putting my mistakes and shame out there for the world to harbor against me. I know I shouldn’t care, I don’t in a way, but I’m so over people in general. As I said earlier, I hate fake people and the world is full of them. Kinda ironic though isn’t it? I was and still am the fakest of them all….

~Ginger~ 💜