On December 2nd Wendy (My Sister) will be gone 2 years. I just can’t hardly wrap my mind around that, definitely, I can’t Wrap my Heart around it. Facing a few situations lately where I need someone to go with me on appointments or drive me, I can’t help but feel sad that Wendy is not here by my side. We did that for each other. I absolutely hate having to ask for help. I hear what people say, and I know they want to help, asking for help for me equals failure. I can’t help but to think that if I had asked for help earlier with Wendy it might not have ended the way it did. Before you say it, I’m not stuck In my grief, I am stuck in my failures, even though I do know the concept of “free will” nothing you can say will change that. I will continue to work on it with a few people I have connected with online, and are willing to push me to speak my truth, I have grown to count on them to lead me through the pain of my life. I know it’s not a popular thing to share your innermost feelings and hurts, honestly, most people don’t understand what I am saying. That’s now okay, I hope you never have to. Sympathy is not needed nor wanted, love and understanding are.
People don’t like the hard conversations and I thrive on them. I wish more people would have them with me. I hate small talk and get bored easily having conversations with people about mundane things. Honestly, I would stay up all night and talk about hard things. My Soul aches for them. Sadly, no one is on the same wavelength as I am. I dwell in Loneliness because I rather, than speak of things that don’t matter to me.
I wonder if I’m alone in my thoughts about this? Being vulnerable and stepping outside our comfort zone is scary. I think we all share the same needs, most unhappiness stems from not being able to share our truth. What would it take for you to share? Maybe I’m way off base with my beliefs. Maybe I’m the one that is different and that’s why I’m out on a limb by myself.
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