“My Ugly Truth”

I just realized I didn’t protect Wendy at all! All those years of thinking I was protecting her from the bullies was and is a joke! During the three months I stayed at the hospital with her on one of those nights She told me that she was sexually abused. Where was I at the time? Hell, I was probably dealing with my own abuse. I suspected it with Wendy, because of some of her behaviors. I choose to sweep in under the rug nice and tidy right there with my rubbish.

Long time later as a young adult, I drifted towards behaviors I had some control over. Though I thought. Drinking was a big percentage of my life then. Taking Diet pills to control my weight (I often took as many as 30 in a day). I would bounce off the walls for days, then I would crash for days. I was once hospitalized for months, which is a huge ugly story in itself. I Would take sharp objects and scratch myself until it bled. I was inflicting physical pain to overcome my emotional pain. In other words, I could treat the physical pain, and I didn’t have to deal with the emotional pain. I rapidly learned all the tactics used at the hospital. It didn’t help me, I knew what questions and what answers they asked to hear. I played along until I got tired. The other patients were drawn to me. Seeking me out to talk to about their own horrible traumatic lives. Especially the teens. I will never forget this one young lady that would have horrible panic attacks. She would literally pull hands full of her hair out. I would sit for hours with her holding her and calming her down where the mental professionals could not help her. I was eventually separated from her being told It was not beneficial to either of us. I was devastated thinking she would now have no one to look out for her. I rebelled threatening suicide, whichever I would not recommend in a psychiatric hospital! I was stripped down to nothing and placed in a glass room with only a mattress on the floor. A camera on me at all times. When They finally let me out I rebelled by saving my Meditation for a week and then taking it in one dose. If my roommate had not told, I may not be here today writing this. I was rushed to the Emergency Room and was impelled to drink Syrup of Ipecac. Followed by having to drink approximately 50 glasses of water. I proceeded to vomit the next 48 hours straight. I was pressured to eat and or drink when I would be dry heaving.

I have worked the Emergency Room, I know the protocol. You are granted the biggest needles, the biggest NG tubes! Anything they make you think real hard about trying again. All it did for me was to promise myself if I ever tried again I would not fail….. Days later I was set on a single engine plane with not even my shoe strings, and flown to another Psychiatric Hospital many miles from home. I had never been on a plane before, I had never even been away from home, much less traveling by myself. It was one of many times I would be terrified after that day.

Somebody was holding up a sign with my name on it at the airport that day, taking me in their car to the new “hospital”. It will never leave me, that feeling I had riding in that car and eventually to a whole new hell that awaited me…

This is all I can manage today…

~Ginger~