After stumbling on a Podcast about a year ago I started my new journey of Spirituality. I have always felt different and have believed things differently than those around me. Like many, I kept quiet fearing I would be made fun of, besides I couldn’t explain it. I still can’t, except I now know there are others like me.

This journey has led me to people that feel the same as I do, or it feels like they do anyway, that in itself, at least gives me hope that I’m not alone and others do understand.

I now understand I have this massive story of my life to tell, and until I do I will never heal. I also now believe that until I do, I will be stuck in a life of struggle. Although I understand this fully, I struggle to open up and put myself out there. I now have the person in place to help me, which is more than most do. After stumbling on her Podcast, I know without a doubt the Universe has brought her to me. I feel as if she is waiting patiently in the shadows for me to be ready to do the work. The typical me says the things and shares the things I think others need to see and hear to heal their own stuff. In fact, I’m so good at it, hiding behind my mask, my own self built prison walks. I hide behind it using humor like most deeply hurt people do to ward off attention to myself. I keep thinking that when someone reaches out to me and pushes me I will be ready. I am a master at procrastination, and I do realize that’s a form of fear.

There is also the question of what now? What happens when I share my truth? It’s been such a major part of who I am for so long, what, and who am I without it?

I have a million questions and no answers. I am my own worst enemy, mainly because I know the questions that will be asked of me. I also know the answers they want to hear so I will give those answers.

I always go back inside myself to this comfort zone I have created. My fear of being judged and made fun of holds me hostage. Until someone cares enough to free me of that, I’m afraid I will be back here in another life to relive it all. I’m angry that I would choose a life full of such pain and heartache.

I don’t know how to be any other way. I don’t know how to be content and let love in. I only know how to exist in my head. Honestly, I only know how to be alone. I’m comfortable here.

I’m not selfish. I try to help people heal their stuff every day. It is kind of funny because I know what they need to do, and what they need to hear. “Do as I say, not as I do” could be my anthem.

I started this Blog as a way to say some of the things I need to say. That is big for me considering my level of fear. A part of me is hurt that no one likes anything I have to say, The other part of me is relieved that no one likes what I have to say.

There is this overwhelming feeling, and even a knowing, inside of me to share my truth. Although I’m not a ”writer” I know I have to do this. As my mentor always says ”If I just help one person, then it’s worth it”.

Hopefully, I will become braver in my sharing, and maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else out there that may relate to some of what I share….

Ginger 💜