I realized today the reasons I’m all over the place with this Blog. It comes down to two reasons actually. The first and probably the main reason is fear, and that leads to the second reason which is perfectionism. Listening to my favorite Podcast today, which was titled ” Show up and speak your truth.” I came to the conclusion that Yes, I do show up, and yes, I do speak part of my truth, stopping short of putting out there the painful parts. So many things that have happened in my life have stayed inside my head and my heart. No one has a clue as to who I really am. Hell, most of the time I don’t even know. They wouldn’t understand, they would treat me differently, they would blame me. Is there really a need to Speak my truth? Why now? It wouldn’t change anything.

Before my sister died, she told me that she had been molested as a child. I always suspected it because of her need to buy love, plus her need to please everyone. I didn’t know what to say to her… By being the strong one, and not showing any caring or loving emotions that was just the same old me as I have always been. I’m sure I didn’t give her what she needed at that moment. I showed anger, but not compassion. I’m sure it was definitely not my anger she needed to see. One more of many reasons for me to feel guilty. During the entire journey of her illness, I was in a fix-it mode. I know now I was trying to hide from the pain of it all while I was with her. I was a horrible basket case all the other times when I was away from her.

Trying to be perfect consumed me in childhood. Later things like taking diet pills not just one, but 30 a day, or self-harm were the things I could control in a world where so many horrible things happened to me in which I had no control. I wasn’t a good candidate for therapy, then or even now, because I already knew, and know why I did the things I did. I was often told I was so good at helping others with their emotional pain. Those people, especially the young adults and teenagers were drawn to me. That too in itself was a tool I used to avoid dealing with my own deep-seated traumas.

How is perfect worked out for me, you may be wondering? As you may have guessed it hasn’t, mainly because the more perfect I’ve tried to be, the less perfect I am.

I am a work in progress. I strive every day to listen, read, and learn all I can about Spirituality and yes Speaking my Truth. I’m trying to figure out why I’m different, why I don’t seem to fit in anywhere. There’s a part of me that thinks I don’t have to heal all those old wounds because it is over and I nor anyone else can ever change those things so why bring those old wounds back up. The fact that I’m writing about them though, seems to prove the answer to that question.

Can I help others? Maybe. Can I help others by hiding behind a keyboard? Maybe. Can I stay anonymous from family and friends? Maybe… Is it even important? Maybe. Can I find my truth, my purpose? This haunts me every day.

Through all the questions and wondering, I do know one thing though, and that is I’m meant to say or write something profound either in a few words or something on a much bigger platform. I feel it’s right there on the tip of my tongue or right at the surface, but I cannot reach it. I do know that when it comes it is going to be perfect… finally. 💯

Ginger 💜